Well how should i say this. I know it s like the childish part of me, but i ve already drown in my own feelings. Couple of days ago was my birthday. It s nothing, just growing a year older. He wished me of course. But then, there's part of me like, i wanted him to make it feels special, at least for a day. There s no need for fancy gifts or such. At one point i realized, i missed him. I truly missed him. And i just wanted it to feel worthwhile. Our only conversation was the one when he wishes me. Didnt feel it at first, but im actually quite bummed. So im like, thinking why am i feeling so down and everytime feels like im about to break down. And when i actually did, it made me come into realization of how im feeling for all along. I truly terribly misses him. But he never knew it. Never knew how i am terribly suffocating. How my heart aches.POSTED BY FF ON Friday, June 19 @ Friday, June 19, 2020
I am not in any state that would define me as being mad. It's just I'm feeling unworthy of anything that revolves around you. I am not leaving. Only that I feel distant. Although that is not how you must have said it. I know I have to let my feelings aside. I know that I have to be strong and brave for any possibilities, any outcome that may happen. If to be brave is for me to survive solely on my own, I would take it, just because I have no other option left. I know you ll say that 's not how you wanted me to understand, but if only you'd take a glance of how things are now, you'd know what I meant.
You needed me to put myself in someone else's shoes, but did you ever peek into what I have in mine? No you never. You never would. Because those people around me faces much more greater harder indescribable worse things than I am. Right? I know because I've told you, now and then of how it felt, how it made me become, but that's just that.
And that 's just why, I am surviving my own battle.
POSTED BY FF ON Wednesday, September 11 @ Wednesday, September 11, 2019
You remembered that time when you asked me if we can met? You never know how happy I am. I have bunch of things to say. I have lots & lots & lotssss of things to share. It has been months since we last met, and I am really looking forward to it.
You know, just how hard it was to accept, when like almost a month after that you said that it wont happen. You know just how hard I have fall in that hope which you have make me to believe? And I have to just let it pass, unwillingly.
And did you know how it made me sick thinking you are about to go on tour with your friends? Did you know how much my heart aches when I need to act like I'm ok with it?
No you never know. You never know because you always thought it was okay. When it is not! It never will be okay. Does having this feeling makes me a little less matured than how I should? Would standing still like statues would then proved my maturity?
Am I not worth to be treated at least like a living human? Is my feelings is less worthy?
Just please never force me to believe in any of your words anymore. I beg
POSTED BY FF ON Friday, August 2 @ Friday, August 02, 2019
It hurts really, when all that's left in you, is that numb feeling.
Well, I'm left with unspoken words. One may say, just reveal the truth even how hurt it would be. Could it be the truth, of what I am feeling now? For what my heart keep forcing me to decide. Is leaving is the best choice, or should I bear it all like how I always thought I coped up with? Is staying for a little longer would mend things all over again, or is giving up would give me the sparks of hope and happiness which I've been hoping all this while? I have always thought that somehow someday, things will get a whole lot better. That I would feel no more heartache, that I will no more have to restrain myself from telling him things when all I want is for him to know everything, every inch and every details. And some may say, why don't you just tell him like how you wanted to. Just how easy people would say that, it's just too hard for me. Because I'm used to be told how all those things are not worth it, not worth of my mind to be think of. I've been living life not being able to say how I actually feel, I've been telling lies of how I am always okay with everything when I am not. People expect me to move on when they know nothing of those hard times. And the one in it, keep being mad at me for living in my past. What created me now, is the result of what I may say, mental abuse, traumatized and untreated soul. My heart aches for a really long time, sometimes I feel like there's no hope that I'll be okay. I've lost interest in almost everything. There's nothing in my heart for you to see, except all those stitches, the scars, the wound.POSTED BY FF ON Monday, June 10 @ Monday, June 10, 2019
You re just too busy, and Im just too lonely. No it s not that you blindly let me be this way, only most of the times I need you. Even in the slightest thing im into. Things were never the same since then, and Im aware about it. It somehow had become one of my routine, to ignore things completely. To forget what it s abt of how I feel. To be okay when there s so much reason not to. I nearly thought that im having depression. Almost everyday I fought with my feelings and left uncured. It never works from that time on.
POSTED BY FF ON Friday, March 10 @ Friday, March 10, 2017
